Words

Words…. why do they elude me when I need them. They seem to grow wings and fly away.. or wait do they disappear?  However it is, they fail me when I need them. One would think words will be there in time of trouble, when in a fix or just when confused, but alas! they leave you to your demise making you appear, silly, stupid or inept.

Once upon a time words and I used to be best of allies. Well I thought

Words elude me, words betray me. They go missing when I need them the most. Thought they were dependable but alas! Found out not so.
Hear them in my ears giving me encouragement, we have great conversations in my mind, and they give me backbone only to find out they have been pretending to care when faced with opposition.
I have been hurt too many times, mostly by words. Each time I say no more, I won’t get broken by words but then again, I trust and the circle never breaks.
I see words having a romantic relationship with others and I get jealous,  or how do you explain it coming up to others defence but stabbing me in the back.
Is there something I’m doing wrong? How can I get words to be loyal to me, be my ally?

Cry for help

DISCLAIMER: This is an out pouring and some pips might think this too personal, but hey, its a therapy session….

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I should make this a tradition; open WordPress, click on new post, start to write something, stop, delete and stare at the blank page. *sigh* I have so much on my mind but I am finding it difficult to bear my thought on paper, or post. this was supposed to be my therapy, my outlet, my own Dr. Phil! I guess even non-living things sometimes disappoint or maybe its my incapability to sought out which area of my life I want to address first. seems everything just has a way of affecting each other. Plus, I owe a good friend a favour, mind to messed up to carry it out. Dear if you are reading this I’m so sorry, I haven’t forgotten and i will definitely make it up to you.

Oh well, maybe I can start from family. After thirteen years of separation, my pips are finally back together. yay right? *sigh* I am glad they decided to put their differences behind them and work things out. in fact I have been praying earnestly that they do, but why is my heart not spilling with joy? God I’m so sorry, this heart is acting ungrateful but i am. a confidant thinks I might be jealous, but of what? that they don’t pour out their affection by calling me more than twice each day? like that ever gonna stop.

could it be that I haven’t truly forgiven the past? my confidant seems to think I’m yet to be over it. But isn’t it often said that one can forgive and not forget? *chuckle* what irony, I often tell people if they say they have forgiven but still feel hurt each time they are put in a situation to remember the past, they haven’t truly forgiven. Guess I am a hypocrite to my own words. the only inference I can make so far is that the distance between the three of us plus years apart made it easy for me to say I have forgiven them. but this new reality just proves otherwise. My only option now is to turn to the one who is Forgiveness to help me through this so I can really be part of this new beginning.

Family aside, school work is freaking me out. It’s so surprising when people think I have everything under control. My lecturer says I look confident, friends always think i know things but the truth is i am lost. *sigh* I don’t know what they see but I am yet to see the confidence. so many people have faith in me, i wanna have that faith, but i seem to have lost it. Gosh it feels like undergraduate all over. each time i decide to start my course work, i get so confused and lost that i turn to Gossip Girl’, coke, cocopops and chocolate to take my mind off. yesterday, i even got drunk on coke. I can feel the pressure mount up has my assignments deadline draw near, but i am as lost as all the time i have wasted on series and junk food. Lord, i need your help!

Next, matters of the heart. Not like the aforementioned were not, well this is the only way i could categorize it. words can’t fully describe how i feel. one day i feel attached to someone i think feels the same way the next thing i am getting vibes the person is not that into me. *laugh* i should be in the sequel of that movie *he is not just into you* if they ever wanna make it. i have gotten so good at reading wrong signals. But what is wrong with me? each time i decide free my heart and not to get attached to someone until proven otherwise, use my head, something happens or someone happens then i see things that aren’t there only for me to get hurt. well you may say its no ones fault, I agree its mine, I get beyond my head. Lord, I need your help!

Now for the last part, God. where do i begin? i have fallen to old patterns, ‘when things get tough run away from God and fall into junk’. I have been running this past days and my feet are tired,and i am hung over junk. I hope it’s not too late for us to relate and iron things out. Lord I need your help!

Hopefully, i have been reminded these words ‘Don’t worry about anything, but instead , pray about everything Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done’. So, i am going to tell Him about my forgiveness issues and any other family issue, i am going to lift my assignments to Him and thank Him for the wonderful testimony.

…’We meet to part’…

… ‘We meet to part, we part to meet’…
Don’t know where i heard or read that but that’s been on my mind for awhile now. Everyday we meet people, make new acquaintances, some develop into full friendships, some remain as such, others fizzle away. We often enjoy these new developments and get caught up in the first few days. It is always so sweet when these acquaintances become true relationships that we cherish.

But then most often than none, these relationships fizzle out. Maybe ‘cos we have ran out of excitement, no other things connects us, we have found new playmates or the spark we thought was there wasn’t a spark at all, maybe a flash, a fake light, like d moon.

Ąπϑ then, some acquaintances need a rekindling, needs oxygen to revive a glowing splint (or is it hydrogen?). The spark may have been doused by conflict, misunderstanding, human factor or distance… ‘We part to meet’…

While other acquaintances are not worth fighting for… ‘We meet to part’… No point trying to revive something that would become a heavy lead.

Funny, sometimes we don’t allow some acquaintances develop further ‘cos we think ‘it would never work out, so why bother’ but then we are only human, short-sighted. Those aborted relationships could have given birth to something beautiful. But instead we save short term pleasure.

Where am I going with this? i don’t know. Just me purging my mind.

p.s: you might be wondering what this image have in connection to my thoughts, that’s my purging position

developed world, really?

Disclaimer: you may read this and go “boring” well it’s me freeing my mind.

Most of the time what the media projects is how bad and poor developing world especially Africa is. The way people live on the street, our level of poverty, women and children mortality, morbidity rate our level of corruption, crime, illiteracy level, killing …. the list is endless. In all, Africa is a third world that needs the intervention of international policies. They need to tell us how to run our economy, in what areas we are falling short behind developing.

Today in class as part of an inequality lecture, we were shown a video “USA: Down and out” (http://www.channel4.com/programmes/unreported-world/4od#3108162) and this video really shows that the so called developing worlds have major issues to deal with and there is no such thing as the perfect economy.This is a recent documentary of how the recession affected the lives of the minority in my own opinion. These minorities were middle class people who had jobs, houses and a safety net. After the recession, salaries where cut, people had to depend on charity organizations for food, people lost their homes because of failure in paying mortgages. these are professionals, Ph.D holders, war veterans all forced to live one day at a time.

One part that touched me was a little girl who said she couldn’t explain to her friends in school why the school bus picks her up from a shelter, she just tells them she doesn’t want to talk about it. another was a man who said the greatest part of loosing his home was the fact he had to stand in line to get the basic amenities of life, life bathing, eating.

The fact is, these developed worlds are heavily based on credit system, you need a house, get a loan, a car get a loan, health have an HMO cover and when wall street crashed, guess who got hit, the minorities that depended on these loans. Obviously the investors and the wealthy would want their money intact to continue the life they live so every one who got these loans had to pay up or get booted out. well we know how that ended.

What’s the governments take? if you earn below 800 dollars they can help with feeding but sorry no housing, if you earn above 900 dollars then they can give you small help on housing and debt management. Everything is politics, keep the rich people and investment houses happy. Now my analyzes are not accurate i am basing my thoughts on what i saw. But seriously i felt we have hope in Africa.

Yea yea we have corruption i know, and our poverty rate is high, but for once i was happy that the media would show the bad side of a major world power, show that not all grasses are green on the other side. For once Africa is not the bullied child. It goes to show that the government of these developed worlds still have a lot of loop ends and are not so much of the ideal economy.

As i see it, the citizens of these country although they feel they have freedom to do whatever they want, they are not so free. Their lives are ruled by bills and taxes and as much as these credit systems seem so enticing, it is a major stress developer.

A cascading effect generates from recession, no money, loss of house, can’t feed, loss of self esteem and security, families are divided because children are sent to relatives, poor nutrition due to consistent dependence on processed food or inability to get food, emotional instability, people living on the street are targeted has criminals and arrested.

I love these countries, yea, and i feel African nations can learn from some of their policies, but these policies are flawed too.

Never Alone….

Last night, I went to bed late feeling sad, confused and alone. I have two write ups to submit in school and i am as confused as a a young maiden with a lot of cute suitable suitors. I think i know what i wanna write about, in fact i have some articles i wanna review, but i just don’t know why i am so confused. is it the thought of failing those who belief in me? the face of my mum kept coming up in my mind, i cannot let her down she has sacrificed so much. *sigh* i could feel the pressure mounting up. I have done so well contributing in class so far, i know the fundamentals, then what is it? why do i feel so lost and empty? why do i feel so alone and backwards?

I remember my days as an undergraduate and how hard i tried. I read, analyzed, linked pieces together, wrote essays i think should get me excellent marks, but at the end i get marks far below my expectations. I get so mad, angry, weak. I know i am smart brilliant, so what is it? why couldn’t i breakthrough? have i been jinxed? It was so frustrating!

Then it hits me. I have been depending on me. Believing in my own strength and capability. I have totally ignored the one who has given me the wisdom, and ability to do all things. I have sidelined the Holy spirit, made Him nothing more than a back up. silly child me! How could i leave the one that could make my learning experience like a piece of cake and slave it out on my own with my short-sighted ego and understanding. I repented and the Holy spirit helped me.

I have been desperate for the past six months, seeking and praying to God for a break. and when it came, i have unconsciously slipped back to old familiar territories. In my mind, i think i am committing my ways to Him, but it is nothing more than words i whisper then i try to analyze thing on my own. Agitation has slowly crept in, fear of failure mocks me, my mind is heavily burdened. I feel alone, with all the lead in the world enough to drown me.

Then the words of a song ‘enough’ by Jeremy Camp playing on my system reminds me of what/who should be my satisfaction. Jesus. He should be more than enough for me. I listened to more songs, prayed and slept off.

This morning, i woke up to a message from a friend. she said she remembers a dance ministration of me back from University days anytime she listens to this song ‘Never alone’ by Barlow girls. She said it was pretty touching and kept ringing in her head and added “always remember that you touched someone with that ministration”.

My friend may not know but she was an instrument sent to me this morning. Although i had ministered in dance to others, i needed to be reminded of it. The message felt like a reassurance from God that i am not alone in this. He has said he would not leave me nor forsake me. He said i should trust in Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding and He would direct my path. He promised that all who trust in him will not be put to shame. He has armed me with strength and made my way perfect. He has made me as sure footed as the deer enabling me to stand on mountains. Therefore with my complete trust in him no mountain can crush me. All i have to do is commit totally and not sideline Him.

We know these things, but then do we really know?

“DESOLE”

*longing, searching, alone, empty…..* Desole.

sometimes, i get into this dark room feeling, into a deep hole that i can’t see my way out of it. more often than none, this feeling comes when i have made wrong choices and  don’t think i can ever get out of the mess i have created for myself. i often bottle the issues hope cos i feel people expect more from me, i judge myself before others judge me. or maybe they do, indirectly, when they tell me what they feel, expect of me what they think i can do and can not do.

sometimes, most times when i get hurt, by people i feel should know better, their words are not enough to take away the pain….

I read this beautiful poem by jenim dibie (@scarville, http://scarcast.blog.com/ ). i have so much to say about it but i think you should make your own personal inference and connection just as i did. it would be unfair for me to take or add to her word. so here it is, “DESOLE”

(your thoughts about it are  very welcomed)

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Life led wrongly

Heart beating for all the wrong reasons

Eyes searching for all but one

One searching for none but all…

A soul whose retina has lost focus

With lenses focused on fame and glory

With nothing but bare thoughts you write your story

To the ones mulled down

Desole means nothing

Iris painted with shades of gray

Good is gone and bad to stay

Fences are true haven for cowards

In taking no side, all stand pleased

Life forgives this not

Desole means nothing

Born great, living inane

Born king, living slave

Gifted, normal

Genius, unleashed

History pardons not this

Desole means nothing

A thief, a liar, a whore, a cheat

A failure, a dope-head, a sociopath, an outcast

Naked thoughts born benign become malignant

You are what you think

Society forgives you not

Desole means nothing

Alone, lost, jaded

Regrets, a little too late

Emptiness, loneliness, memories

Trees seem only for hanging

Rivers seem only for drowning

Time the maze that prepares banquets

Feeds you at the table of consequences

Time reveals all

Desole means nothing

Love given

Love lost

Love hurt

Still love searches through dark alleys

For the one who got away

“Desole!” your soul screamed silently

Love hears it

Love forgives all

Desole means everything…

TAN U (thank you), you’re far too kind!

“And the award for the most versatile blog goes to” *drum rolls*…..

“CHRONICLES OF THE NAIVE!”

“emm, psst, babe na u dem dey call”.   *rouses from sleep* “oh yeah? you sure? Oh yeah na me ooo!”

“abeg, all of una shift make i fin road pass, oops sorry” *clears throat* “ahem, i mean excuse me i want to make my way to the stage thank you”

” i wanna thank my mummy and my daddy Mr and Mrs…, my grandma, uncles, aunties, cousins, tobi ogunbadejo (you’ve been a good critic 😉 christopher , tobbie, abiola, bleble, lola, idris (Ʊ knw ursefs) i wanna thank my pry 5 English teacher, Mr joe for trying all you can  to help me differenciate between tenses, verbs, pronouns, phrases, clauses (still make small mistakes but i try), i want to thank mr olisa….. my manager, make up artist, personal dj, chauffeur…. (whew, everyone in the hall don sleep sha) any how TAN U, TAN U!”

ok ok, for reals now. this is the first time I’m receiving an award for my blog and i feel so honoured ‘cos it is coming from someone i admire a lot, Neetah (memoirs of a woman with chutzpah, http://chocolatechutzpah.wordpress.com/) . It’s been a while i checked her blog trust me and im saying this with my checks turning rose red+scarlet red, i am addicted to her blog *coversface* The first time she commented on my blog i was surprised, and i did small windeck.

They say with more recognition comes  more responsibilities. yup i concur, ‘cos this award comes with its own. i got to pay for it in black and white, but i ain’t complaining, woe unto me if i complain. so here are my instructions;

1.Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them in your post.
2.Share 7 things about yourself.
3.Pass this Award along to 15 recently discovered blogs and let them know about it!

so without further ado, I’ll go straight to business.

I want to thank miss neetah (soon to be Mrs. *bigsmile*) for this wonderful award, recorgnistion and encouragement. more grease to your elbow and each morning you step out into the hussle and buzzle(is dat a word) of lasgidi, chin up always ‘cos you’re out to hit it with a storm. keep the good stuff flowing! p.s do visit her blog, see link above.

so this is the part that always makes me go blank for a few seconds, especially when asked in an interview or by a cute bloke on our first meeting (too busy admiring his cuteness 😉 7 things about me in no particular order;

1. I am an addict. yup i am addicted to Kellogg’s cocopops. every other cereal just tast bland. i tried rice krispies once but i ended up adding milo in each bowl. yes i am a choco addict. chocolates are ladies best friends

2. my fingers have acquired immunity against peppery sensations from ‘atarodo’ (small red pepper and chili pepper). yes i dont feel the sensation till i am reminded of it potency when i rub my eyes or wash my bum.

3. once had a dream of becoming a ballerina, but that was cut short in j.s.s 1 when our ballet instructor told us we had to pay 1k for registration and rehearsal wears. kicked the idea fast out of my mind before my mum did.

4. i could easily have played the role of the flexible guy in ‘fantastic four’ without any film trick. would have cost the director less ‘cos i’m a nice gal, would have charged $50 000. ok my point is im quite flexible. most people dont believe me ‘cos i am nicely padded until i do the split and bend over backwards until my hands touch the ground with no support.

5. if i wasn’t in the health sector, i probably would be an electrical engineer. As a child, i loved to open up electronics, pull them apart then arrange them like a puzzle. when things need fixing or setting up around the house, call me the-go-to-gal

6. i hate trying one things or giving the shop owners/attendants the idea that i am gonna buy something when I’m window shopping. i prefer to browse through the store, get the prices and move out. i feel its unfair to stress them and give them false hope. i sell too so i know how that feels.

7. I AM A WEEPER! i cry at the slightest emotional scene in movies, or song lyrics. in secondary school i got teased a lot by my classmate ‘cos the sight of a cane was enough to set the tap flowing.

Now to the hardest part of my instructions. to pass the award to 15 blogs. ill try my best *

1. Jenim Dibie http://scarcast.blog.com/

2.Krunchgrizzly http://krunchgrizzly.blogspot.com/

3. Le Dynamique Proffeseur: http://dynamiqueprofesseur.blogspot.com/

4.  http://thatsolagurl.wordpress.com/

5. http://thinktankt.wordpress.com/

6. http://slevincalevra.wordpress.com/

7. http://highlandblue.wordpress.com/

8. http://slimsiren.wordpress.com/

9. http://chroniclesofdania.wordpress.com/

10. http://www.thenakedconvo.com

11. http://papyrusczar.wordpress.com/

okay i don’t know any more blogs to put up 😦  i wish i had more. but these blog are wonderful.

Granpa

*sigh*

woke up this morning to see a message sent by my cousin T “Our Grandpa don die eeee oooo, Died dis morning @ 1 am”

instantly all drowsiness was drained, in its place a wave of heat. hormones both known and unknown took over my emotions, i couldn’t believe it, i spoke with him last week! He was fine, in perfect condition! asked my cousin if he had a heart attack but she said he was perfectly alright until around 12 am when he had a brief illness then died peacefully at 1 am.

Everyone around me says i should be grateful, celebrate his life ‘cos he went at the ripe age of about 85, yea i know i should and i am grateful to God for the life he lived but still, that does not prevent the shock, sadness and… i don’t know. My maternal grandpa died while i was a toddler so i never knew him, my paternal grandma died some years ago in London, met her only twice so i was never close to her.

But my paternal grandpa, spent the first 9 years of my life growing up around him. he lived upstairs the family house while my nuclear family stayed down stairs. I Remember him telling me to stop running and stamping my feet on the stairs and corridor, i remember he had a favorite spot close to the window in the sitting room upstairs so he could see those going in and out of the compound, i remember is big old ‘grandpa clock’.i remember thinking to myself “grandpa has such weird head, shiny until half way where he had little hair” (i later learn that’s because he was bald).

Recently, our relationship had been reduced to a Christmas and new year visit, of which sometimes i feel like cutting the time short ‘cos i know he would fill me up with stories about how our family came to be, history behind the family name and how all Tubi’s are connected. i can almost tell the history as he would. sometimes i loved to hear these stories, sometimes i just wanted to say hi and move on to do more youthful stuff. sigh, i wish i had giving him all my attention. He was always so happy to see me, or hear my voice on the phone. I wish i had called him more often.

Last week my mum called me on the phone that grandpa had asked of me, wanted to know if i had gotten to the UK safely, i was ashamed, 3 weeks of being here and i didn’t call him. called him instantly and he was so glad to hear my voice, prayed for me and gave me advice. He sounded so healthy, no hint of the event that would happen today at 1 am. he sounded like a man that would live another 10 years. He sounded like a person that had lived a full life, and was very satisfied. This goes to say no one knows the next second and whats in it.

we as humans we often take family relationships lightly and we value relationships with outsiders and strangers as supreme. we shower more affection on people who often us them as rags. we get too caught up with our self indulgence that we forget to give and take the little moments that make up our existence. we wanna have fun, we wanna live our own idea of whats important, but family IS important. we spend hours on the phone with outsiders but can’t spend 5 minutes with family. if we don’t value and understand the importance of our earthly family, how can we understand God’s family? how can we understand what is and whats not in God’s kingdom if we fail this earthly test? since i got here i haven’t called my maternal grandma, been caught up with  school, and settling in. God help me.

My condolences to the family of Pa oladipupo Tubi, may God receive him into His rest. Grandpa i love you and will miss you.

labyrinth

 

 

Does love have to hurt?

Does one have to go through heart ache?

Is pain the assurance of love?

Does my heart have to bleed?

Does it have to feel like its been ground and matched on like foot bridge?

Are tears the water in which love swims, floats or is it drown?

Where is the running in the meadow or smelling of flowers?

Where is the sharing of an umbrella in the rain with the one you love?

Where is the exchange of sweet whispers and sweet nothings into the middle of the night?

Where is the gazing into the eyes of the one you love?

Where is the silent words spoken with the eyes that only lovers understand?

I wonder if love is a myth, an old wives’ tale

I wonder if there is another dimension to this …. Can it even be classified?

I wonder if I will ever pass this test ‘cos I fail it all too well

Are there lessons to be taken before embarking on the journey called love?

Are there road maps to avoid dead ends?

Can someone, anybody show me the way out?

I’m drowning and falling under. My throat is patched from screaming…

I guess everyone is busy trying to figure out their love path

Will I ever figure mine out?

Or am I destined to be lost, in this labyrinth called love?

 

what da?….its d alarm!

I am soooooo pissed right now if i see any of these student managers that are students I’ll so punch ’em. it was after 3 am this morning i was still thinking in my subconscious that my room was cold probably the heater doesn’t work, and  i was gonna report this to the hostel managers the next day when all of a sudden out of the blues, the fire alarm went off! at first i was wondering who was making that loud noise then i remembered the induction the other day about fire alarms going off when smoke was detected. omo see panic attack. i thought oh no this was my first year in the university all again! i scrambled out of the room with only my pjays, then ran in to take a slippers went out saw my neighbor locking his room, ran in back to get my keys then i saw my jacket and  i grabbed that too. all the while i was shaking cos my room is on the last floor!

Finally got the keys to work and i ran downstairs, to find senior students asking us freshers to move to the car park. we were all confused a bunch ‘cos we didn’t see any fire. some freshers had gone out partying and were drunk, some ran out in underpants, others no slippers it was a frenzy in the freaking cold! thank God i grabbed a jacket.

We stood outside for like 20 mins plus, not understanding what was going on, when two fire fighters truck rolled in. stood there another 5mins then they asked us to go back in welcoming us to first year! i wanted to punch that dude, seriously? that was a welcome?? what happened to parties and retreats?? that’s a welcome, not scaring the beeep out of me and freezing me up in the cold! with thoughts going through my mind.

funny but not so funny, in my first year in the university, my room was really on fire. one of my roommate had used candle to read on the table near the window. i warned her about it, but she forgot and slept off. i felt the room warm up and i was like “mehn this room is so hot tonight wetin dey?” when all of a sudden i heard faint shouts of fire but i dint really take not, then the room became soo hot i woke up lo and behold the whole window was on fire! the candle had caught the end of the curtains and spread rapidly up, burning the net and everything near the window. omo if u see adrenaline in action. woke my two roommates up. thankfully, two of us had fetched buckets of water down the previous night, so we just kicked into action pouring water on it not giving a care for the rug on the floor. the porters came in and one of ’em pulled the curtain down and the fire was doused.

It was God at work in our lives that night ‘cos we had locked ourselves in the room, and during the period the fire was on, NEPA did not decide to restore power.

Now thats some freshman fire scare! they can like to leave me out of these drills thank you, or fix it for day time, when my nerves can take it.