The room is dark, the blinds are drawn, bulb switched off, no light is needed. This is the perfect atmosphere. Gloom. It matches the state of my heart. Fan set to the highest, air conditioner to the lowest, perfect temperature. Cold. The state of my heart. I lay on the bare floor, naked, eyes staring into nothingness. This is what i want to do, need to do. Bare my soul naked.
But i am all alone. i have always been alone. Fate had made it so.
I tried, oh! How i tried. Tried to get rid of the forlorn feeling, it just wouldn’t leave. It stuck to me like a next skin, weighing down my soul.
But no one knew. It was all hidden behind my face. My pretty face. The face not even venus could rival. So i’ve been told. More like a curse than a blessing. People would say a beauty like me could never lack. *chuckles* how ignorant they all are! Maybe if i was a little scared, it would reflect the scare in my heart. maybe if I was a little overweight, it would reflect the burden in my soul. Then someone would have paid attention.
Daddy was absent, mummy innocent. She has her share of burden, no need to add to her worries. She has her own share of heart break no need to crush it under my weight. Mummy looks at me, and does not notice the pain. It is best that way.
As i lay still on the floor, images of the past fill my mind, as if someone had placed them on a slide show. Slowly i drift, into a silent reverie…
I could see myself again sitting in my old chair at the back of the class. I was in primary one again. Shaking vividly, what just happened, i couldn’t understand. The man in the stall. What did he do to me? Why do i feel dirty? I want my mummy now, need my daddy more. The day which had started like a train on a track suddenly wore on like a snail on a track. My mind couldn’t get rid of the images. could still feel the hard long rod between his thighs in my left hand. Finally, school ended. i ran quickly to the gate, eager to get home. Afternoon shower had never felt so appealing. What is happening? Mummy is late. Where could she be? The school is empty. I am left alone with the security. He wants to lock up. Kind old man. Decides to take me home. Thank God i knew my home address. i’m so sad! Mummy had forgotten me! Or had she? Maybe mummy knew, about the man in the stall.
The old man got me home. But something is wrong. Why are the furnitures outside? Why are there people moving stuffs into a large bus? Mummy comes out, carrying a box with my clothes Ąπϑ toys. her eyes are swollen. She’d been crying. She looked up and saw me standing. Dropped the box with its content to hold me in her arms. Her embrace said it all. Something bad has happened. she knelt down in front of me and said “angel, you and i will be going on a very long journey but daddy won’t be coming”. I thought, no not now, i needed daddy! i ran into the house to find daddy seated on the floor. His eyes were set, like a man on a mission. Our eyes met and he motioned for me to come closer. “my angel, i love you but mummy and i have to be apart”.
This cannot be happening! It was all my fault, they had found out about the man in the stall. Why don’t they punish me instead? i was the naughty one! Mummy warned me never to talk to strangers! i disobeyed! Mummy came in at that point, took my hand and we left.
That was the last i saw of him…
I’m seated at a table for six. Its prom night. My friend and i had bought couples ticket. No we are not gay, just two lonely girls pretending that it is best we enjoy the night as singles without bothering about manners because of a date. Deep down inside i was hurt. No one had asked me to be their prom date. Save one. No girl would go with him why would i? i wanted to have fun not bore myself stiff. No I’m not that desperate, to subject myself to a night of torture would be unforgivable. But what about now? Isn’t what i was avoiding coming to pass? My so-called girlfriend had abandoned me for another table. i sat there alone, sipping orange juice with a plastic smile. i try to concentrate on the awards. No need to be hopeful, i will never make the nomination list for any category talk less of winning an award. We know how it is done. The plastic girls always win. The ones who always giggle the loudest, wear the latest fashion and date the so-called popular guys. That was not me. i do not have a ‘best friend’. close acquaintances yes, but not close enough to be best friends. i was never the ‘hey girl’ or the type to sit on a guys lap during break or after school.
I had a best friend once in junior school but when we became seniors, she became plastic. i was hurt but could never show it. Decided to be a loner. Who better to be ones best friend than yourself. You can’t fight with yourself, won’t argue, best of all won’t abandon yourself. Who was i fooling?, i was desperate for companionship. But pride took control. i would rather suffer in silence than show my weakness. i would rather be seen as the ice princess than a needy one.
Had a puppy love as a junior. He liked me, i liked him but we always clashed. i didn’t want our ‘relationship’ to be known. There were rules to the game. No kissing, no touching, no smooshing. That was how i wanted it to be. i desired companionship, i desired a friend. i desired a male figure in my life. i didn’t care if he was only a junior like myself. We wrote each other letters, mostly in codes. You never can tell who would intercept the letter. He was always surrounded by girls, i heard talks that he was dating them. That was to much for my fragile heart. The letters were not enough to solve the problem.
The greatest issue between us was our believe. He sees me as a fanatic. Well i stand by what i believe. i wouldn’t say my faith didn’t play a role in our separation. What was a girl my age to do. Every sunday, the impression i got from sunday school was having a boyfriend was a sin at that age. i felt guilty. We had a huge fight and we went our separate ways.
That didn’t prevent my heart for falling again. This time i fell hard. He was a church member. i guess i felt it was safer. Didn’t we believe in the same thing? Surely he would be better. He was way older. Surely he would be wiser. He was out of secondary school. Surely he would be mature. i gave him the rules too. No kissing, no touching, no smooshing. i added a new one. No sex. At least with all these rules i shouldn’t get into trouble. i won’t sin against God. He agreed.
We started dating. He was sweet. Always calling. A day didn’t go by without a text. He visited me at home. Sometimes came to school after closing to walk me home. Listened to my foolish chatter, listened to my dreams and ambitions. This was what i wanted. A male in my life that wasn’t demanding. Who was giving. i was sprung, love stoned. Cupid got it right this time.
Then he gained admission. That was the beginning of the descent. It was valentine’s day. A day to show love. My first real valentine with a guy. knew i would get something. What i didn’t know was that i would be required to give back. *chuckle*, naïve girl. He came over to my house with a cake, rose and a bottle of wine. i blushed besides my dark skin. i asked him to come in, no one was home. We sat in the living room and talked about me, about him, about us.
Suddenly he came closer and kissed me. i was surprised. My rule! He just broke my rule! A voice within mocked me “what were you expecting, he gave you gifts and you got him nothing, at least pay him with a kiss”. So i allowed it. It took too long, i didn’t enjoy the exchange of saliva. In my mind i thought there is nothing to it. i don’t feel anything. More like i felt disgusted. i didn’t like it. What do people say about their first kiss?. The plastics said their first kiss was heaven, they heard angels singing in their head. This was hell, instead of angels i heard demons mock me. i broke away from his embrace. He became angry. This was the first time i’ll see him angry. Obviously he wanted more than just the kiss. Thankfully at that moment my grandma came home. He took his leave. Things changed between us.
He stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped visiting. i did the chasing he did the running. i needed his companionship, he needed my body. we were not ready to compromise. So we went our separate ways.
I vowed never to love again. love is for the weak, desperate and feeble spine. Its an old wives tale told for entertainment. Look how my parents turned. I will never let a man crush me. i will never let anyone close enough to crush me. I will strike be for they bite. What is companionship? A state of dependency for the stupid. Who needs anyone. i am all i need.
And so i became a walking cold room. Using my head and blocking my heart. i became the cold hearted Ice princess.