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Category Archives: thoughts

Cry for help


DISCLAIMER: This is an out pouring and some pips might think this too personal, but hey, its a therapy session….

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I should make this a tradition; open WordPress, click on new post, start to write something, stop, delete and stare at the blank page. *sigh* I have so much on my mind but I am finding it difficult to bear my thought on paper, or post. this was supposed to be my therapy, my outlet, my own Dr. Phil! I guess even non-living things sometimes disappoint or maybe its my incapability to sought out which area of my life I want to address first. seems everything just has a way of affecting each other. Plus, I owe a good friend a favour, mind to messed up to carry it out. Dear if you are reading this I’m so sorry, I haven’t forgotten and i will definitely make it up to you.

Oh well, maybe I can start from family. After thirteen years of separation, my pips are finally back together. yay right? *sigh* I am glad they decided to put their differences behind them and work things out. in fact I have been praying earnestly that they do, but why is my heart not spilling with joy? God I’m so sorry, this heart is acting ungrateful but i am. a confidant thinks I might be jealous, but of what? that they don’t pour out their affection by calling me more than twice each day? like that ever gonna stop.

could it be that I haven’t truly forgiven the past? my confidant seems to think I’m yet to be over it. But isn’t it often said that one can forgive and not forget? *chuckle* what irony, I often tell people if they say they have forgiven but still feel hurt each time they are put in a situation to remember the past, they haven’t truly forgiven. Guess I am a hypocrite to my own words. the only inference I can make so far is that the distance between the three of us plus years apart made it easy for me to say I have forgiven them. but this new reality just proves otherwise. My only option now is to turn to the one who is Forgiveness to help me through this so I can really be part of this new beginning.

Family aside, school work is freaking me out. It’s so surprising when people think I have everything under control. My lecturer says I look confident, friends always think i know things but the truth is i am lost. *sigh* I don’t know what they see but I am yet to see the confidence. so many people have faith in me, i wanna have that faith, but i seem to have lost it. Gosh it feels like undergraduate all over. each time i decide to start my course work, i get so confused and lost that i turn to Gossip Girl’, coke, cocopops and chocolate to take my mind off. yesterday, i even got drunk on coke. I can feel the pressure mount up has my assignments deadline draw near, but i am as lost as all the time i have wasted on series and junk food. Lord, i need your help!

Next, matters of the heart. Not like the aforementioned were not, well this is the only way i could categorize it. words can’t fully describe how i feel. one day i feel attached to someone i think feels the same way the next thing i am getting vibes the person is not that into me. *laugh* i should be in the sequel of that movie *he is not just into you* if they ever wanna make it. i have gotten so good at reading wrong signals. But what is wrong with me? each time i decide free my heart and not to get attached to someone until proven otherwise, use my head, something happens or someone happens then i see things that aren’t there only for me to get hurt. well you may say its no ones fault, I agree its mine, I get beyond my head. Lord, I need your help!

Now for the last part, God. where do i begin? i have fallen to old patterns, ‘when things get tough run away from God and fall into junk’. I have been running this past days and my feet are tired,and i am hung over junk. I hope it’s not too late for us to relate and iron things out. Lord I need your help!

Hopefully, i have been reminded these words ‘Don’t worry about anything, but instead , pray about everything Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done’. So, i am going to tell Him about my forgiveness issues and any other family issue, i am going to lift my assignments to Him and thank Him for the wonderful testimony.

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…’We meet to part’…


… ‘We meet to part, we part to meet’…
Don’t know where i heard or read that but that’s been on my mind for awhile now. Everyday we meet people, make new acquaintances, some develop into full friendships, some remain as such, others fizzle away. We often enjoy these new developments and get caught up in the first few days. It is always so sweet when these acquaintances become true relationships that we cherish.

But then most often than none, these relationships fizzle out. Maybe ‘cos we have ran out of excitement, no other things connects us, we have found new playmates or the spark we thought was there wasn’t a spark at all, maybe a flash, a fake light, like d moon.

Ąπϑ then, some acquaintances need a rekindling, needs oxygen to revive a glowing splint (or is it hydrogen?). The spark may have been doused by conflict, misunderstanding, human factor or distance… ‘We part to meet’…

While other acquaintances are not worth fighting for… ‘We meet to part’… No point trying to revive something that would become a heavy lead.

Funny, sometimes we don’t allow some acquaintances develop further ‘cos we think ‘it would never work out, so why bother’ but then we are only human, short-sighted. Those aborted relationships could have given birth to something beautiful. But instead we save short term pleasure.

Where am I going with this? i don’t know. Just me purging my mind.

p.s: you might be wondering what this image have in connection to my thoughts, that’s my purging position