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Cry for help


DISCLAIMER: This is an out pouring and some pips might think this too personal, but hey, its a therapy session….

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I should make this a tradition; open WordPress, click on new post, start to write something, stop, delete and stare at the blank page. *sigh* I have so much on my mind but I am finding it difficult to bear my thought on paper, or post. this was supposed to be my therapy, my outlet, my own Dr. Phil! I guess even non-living things sometimes disappoint or maybe its my incapability to sought out which area of my life I want to address first. seems everything just has a way of affecting each other. Plus, I owe a good friend a favour, mind to messed up to carry it out. Dear if you are reading this I’m so sorry, I haven’t forgotten and i will definitely make it up to you.

Oh well, maybe I can start from family. After thirteen years of separation, my pips are finally back together. yay right? *sigh* I am glad they decided to put their differences behind them and work things out. in fact I have been praying earnestly that they do, but why is my heart not spilling with joy? God I’m so sorry, this heart is acting ungrateful but i am. a confidant thinks I might be jealous, but of what? that they don’t pour out their affection by calling me more than twice each day? like that ever gonna stop.

could it be that I haven’t truly forgiven the past? my confidant seems to think I’m yet to be over it. But isn’t it often said that one can forgive and not forget? *chuckle* what irony, I often tell people if they say they have forgiven but still feel hurt each time they are put in a situation to remember the past, they haven’t truly forgiven. Guess I am a hypocrite to my own words. the only inference I can make so far is that the distance between the three of us plus years apart made it easy for me to say I have forgiven them. but this new reality just proves otherwise. My only option now is to turn to the one who is Forgiveness to help me through this so I can really be part of this new beginning.

Family aside, school work is freaking me out. It’s so surprising when people think I have everything under control. My lecturer says I look confident, friends always think i know things but the truth is i am lost. *sigh* I don’t know what they see but I am yet to see the confidence. so many people have faith in me, i wanna have that faith, but i seem to have lost it. Gosh it feels like undergraduate all over. each time i decide to start my course work, i get so confused and lost that i turn to Gossip Girl’, coke, cocopops and chocolate to take my mind off. yesterday, i even got drunk on coke. I can feel the pressure mount up has my assignments deadline draw near, but i am as lost as all the time i have wasted on series and junk food. Lord, i need your help!

Next, matters of the heart. Not like the aforementioned were not, well this is the only way i could categorize it. words can’t fully describe how i feel. one day i feel attached to someone i think feels the same way the next thing i am getting vibes the person is not that into me. *laugh* i should be in the sequel of that movie *he is not just into you* if they ever wanna make it. i have gotten so good at reading wrong signals. But what is wrong with me? each time i decide free my heart and not to get attached to someone until proven otherwise, use my head, something happens or someone happens then i see things that aren’t there only for me to get hurt. well you may say its no ones fault, I agree its mine, I get beyond my head. Lord, I need your help!

Now for the last part, God. where do i begin? i have fallen to old patterns, ‘when things get tough run away from God and fall into junk’. I have been running this past days and my feet are tired,and i am hung over junk. I hope it’s not too late for us to relate and iron things out. Lord I need your help!

Hopefully, i have been reminded these words ‘Don’t worry about anything, but instead , pray about everything Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done’. So, i am going to tell Him about my forgiveness issues and any other family issue, i am going to lift my assignments to Him and thank Him for the wonderful testimony.

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4 responses »

  1. it’s not an easy world dear. if everyone start telling what they face in silence. you won’t believe it. i just want you to know that one day which is really soon, you’ll smile and say to yourself “I really overcame all”. You are special. I know when it gets tough you forget that. Dear we all do.

    For school work I just don’t want to bother much. Right now i’m very ok it’s not me they are bugging (hiding my face). I don’t think I can handle all that right now. You should also know if you don’t get the attention you’ll miss it (pls don’t mind me).

    I know what it feels like when everyone thinks so much about you but you. It is well my dear. But most importantly the only faith we have is that Christ died for us. Therefore being justified by this faith we have peace with God & we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God (Rom 5).

    You writing this out is something that far from easy. Maybe that’s why everyone thinks you are confident. lol. Just kidding. But seriously I understand. God knows your end even before your beginning. He’s there all the way. You’ll never end up where He hasn’t planned for you.

    Much love dear. xoxo

    Reply
  2. We’ll do well. I don’t know how but we will. That shouldn’t even be an issue. Abi no be God again?

    Reply
  3. It is well love…everyone has struggles but its wot u do that counts and you’ve taken it to the one who will help so, u’ll be fine. Work at d things u need to work at and know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel

    Reply

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