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Category Archives: family

Cry for help


DISCLAIMER: This is an out pouring and some pips might think this too personal, but hey, its a therapy session….

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I should make this a tradition; open WordPress, click on new post, start to write something, stop, delete and stare at the blank page. *sigh* I have so much on my mind but I am finding it difficult to bear my thought on paper, or post. this was supposed to be my therapy, my outlet, my own Dr. Phil! I guess even non-living things sometimes disappoint or maybe its my incapability to sought out which area of my life I want to address first. seems everything just has a way of affecting each other. Plus, I owe a good friend a favour, mind to messed up to carry it out. Dear if you are reading this I’m so sorry, I haven’t forgotten and i will definitely make it up to you.

Oh well, maybe I can start from family. After thirteen years of separation, my pips are finally back together. yay right? *sigh* I am glad they decided to put their differences behind them and work things out. in fact I have been praying earnestly that they do, but why is my heart not spilling with joy? God I’m so sorry, this heart is acting ungrateful but i am. a confidant thinks I might be jealous, but of what? that they don’t pour out their affection by calling me more than twice each day? like that ever gonna stop.

could it be that I haven’t truly forgiven the past? my confidant seems to think I’m yet to be over it. But isn’t it often said that one can forgive and not forget? *chuckle* what irony, I often tell people if they say they have forgiven but still feel hurt each time they are put in a situation to remember the past, they haven’t truly forgiven. Guess I am a hypocrite to my own words. the only inference I can make so far is that the distance between the three of us plus years apart made it easy for me to say I have forgiven them. but this new reality just proves otherwise. My only option now is to turn to the one who is Forgiveness to help me through this so I can really be part of this new beginning.

Family aside, school work is freaking me out. It’s so surprising when people think I have everything under control. My lecturer says I look confident, friends always think i know things but the truth is i am lost. *sigh* I don’t know what they see but I am yet to see the confidence. so many people have faith in me, i wanna have that faith, but i seem to have lost it. Gosh it feels like undergraduate all over. each time i decide to start my course work, i get so confused and lost that i turn to Gossip Girl’, coke, cocopops and chocolate to take my mind off. yesterday, i even got drunk on coke. I can feel the pressure mount up has my assignments deadline draw near, but i am as lost as all the time i have wasted on series and junk food. Lord, i need your help!

Next, matters of the heart. Not like the aforementioned were not, well this is the only way i could categorize it. words can’t fully describe how i feel. one day i feel attached to someone i think feels the same way the next thing i am getting vibes the person is not that into me. *laugh* i should be in the sequel of that movie *he is not just into you* if they ever wanna make it. i have gotten so good at reading wrong signals. But what is wrong with me? each time i decide free my heart and not to get attached to someone until proven otherwise, use my head, something happens or someone happens then i see things that aren’t there only for me to get hurt. well you may say its no ones fault, I agree its mine, I get beyond my head. Lord, I need your help!

Now for the last part, God. where do i begin? i have fallen to old patterns, ‘when things get tough run away from God and fall into junk’. I have been running this past days and my feet are tired,and i am hung over junk. I hope it’s not too late for us to relate and iron things out. Lord I need your help!

Hopefully, i have been reminded these words ‘Don’t worry about anything, but instead , pray about everything Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done’. So, i am going to tell Him about my forgiveness issues and any other family issue, i am going to lift my assignments to Him and thank Him for the wonderful testimony.

Granpa


*sigh*

woke up this morning to see a message sent by my cousin T “Our Grandpa don die eeee oooo, Died dis morning @ 1 am”

instantly all drowsiness was drained, in its place a wave of heat. hormones both known and unknown took over my emotions, i couldn’t believe it, i spoke with him last week! He was fine, in perfect condition! asked my cousin if he had a heart attack but she said he was perfectly alright until around 12 am when he had a brief illness then died peacefully at 1 am.

Everyone around me says i should be grateful, celebrate his life ‘cos he went at the ripe age of about 85, yea i know i should and i am grateful to God for the life he lived but still, that does not prevent the shock, sadness and… i don’t know. My maternal grandpa died while i was a toddler so i never knew him, my paternal grandma died some years ago in London, met her only twice so i was never close to her.

But my paternal grandpa, spent the first 9 years of my life growing up around him. he lived upstairs the family house while my nuclear family stayed down stairs. I Remember him telling me to stop running and stamping my feet on the stairs and corridor, i remember he had a favorite spot close to the window in the sitting room upstairs so he could see those going in and out of the compound, i remember is big old ‘grandpa clock’.i remember thinking to myself “grandpa has such weird head, shiny until half way where he had little hair” (i later learn that’s because he was bald).

Recently, our relationship had been reduced to a Christmas and new year visit, of which sometimes i feel like cutting the time short ‘cos i know he would fill me up with stories about how our family came to be, history behind the family name and how all Tubi’s are connected. i can almost tell the history as he would. sometimes i loved to hear these stories, sometimes i just wanted to say hi and move on to do more youthful stuff. sigh, i wish i had giving him all my attention. He was always so happy to see me, or hear my voice on the phone. I wish i had called him more often.

Last week my mum called me on the phone that grandpa had asked of me, wanted to know if i had gotten to the UK safely, i was ashamed, 3 weeks of being here and i didn’t call him. called him instantly and he was so glad to hear my voice, prayed for me and gave me advice. He sounded so healthy, no hint of the event that would happen today at 1 am. he sounded like a man that would live another 10 years. He sounded like a person that had lived a full life, and was very satisfied. This goes to say no one knows the next second and whats in it.

we as humans we often take family relationships lightly and we value relationships with outsiders and strangers as supreme. we shower more affection on people who often us them as rags. we get too caught up with our self indulgence that we forget to give and take the little moments that make up our existence. we wanna have fun, we wanna live our own idea of whats important, but family IS important. we spend hours on the phone with outsiders but can’t spend 5 minutes with family. if we don’t value and understand the importance of our earthly family, how can we understand God’s family? how can we understand what is and whats not in God’s kingdom if we fail this earthly test? since i got here i haven’t called my maternal grandma, been caught up with  school, and settling in. God help me.

My condolences to the family of Pa oladipupo Tubi, may God receive him into His rest. Grandpa i love you and will miss you.

some prayer tinz


Disclaimer: I am not a comedian and i have never pretended to be one, so if you read this and think its not funny, please do not crucify me.
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We just rounded off prayers at my house and i can’t forget the events that occured. ℓ☺ℓ. Okay i know prayers are supposed to be serious and i do take them seriously but sometimes people in my house just crack me up.

As it is the routine, mumc came into the ‘gehs dormitory’ – that’s what the room is called (not minding that we are all above 20) to round up the troops for prayers, it took us like 5 minutes to gather in the sitting room turn prayer room.

We stood in a circle and i took my position beside mumc ‘cos no one else would due to years of experience that include pinching, hand squeezing and side kicks if she feels you are sleeping or not praying hard enough. It’s not as if i enjoy that position, but the faster we start the prayer the quicker we go to bed.

So with everyone in position, the room is silent. we are making mental notes of who led prayers last. In my mind i calculated the last time i led to be three days ago. Therefore its not my turn tonight. For lack of unwilling volunteers, mumc started the worship.

Seconds after worship began, the oldest geh amongst us started to change posture. You see in our house we have different postures while praying. First is to stand, then kneel to show you are still in the spirit, next sit on the chair and last posture is to sit on the floor. My cousin didn’t bother to go through the stages, she just jumped from number one to four.
The next thing i know, mumc releases me of her iron grip to give my coz a hard kick. That was enough to keep her spirit, soul and body awake.

I was still struggling to keep the laughter inside when i heard muffled sounds like one who is making high pitched low frequency sound in a public toilet from my little cousin. On opening my eyes, i saw tears roll down her cheeks as she prayed vigorously. I’m thinking this geh must be feeling the spirit i felt guilty for not concentrating. But it was not my fault i was fighting my own battles. The mosquitoes chose that moment to feed on me with fork Ąπϑ knife.

Anyway, after prayers, i asked the little geh what the p was, she said nothing. Only to find out that she was removing her hands from d link and touching her body almost every second during prayers from the older coz. That attracted a pinch from my big cousin on her left and a slap from my uncle on her right.

The geh wasn’t in the spirit after all! Just suffering in silence. I sympathised with her ‘cos i was fighting the same demons in d form of mosquitoes too.