DISCLAIMER: This is an out pouring and some pips might think this too personal, but hey, its a therapy session….
I should make this a tradition; open WordPress, click on new post, start to write something, stop, delete and stare at the blank page. *sigh* I have so much on my mind but I am finding it difficult to bear my thought on paper, or post. this was supposed to be my therapy, my outlet, my own Dr. Phil! I guess even non-living things sometimes disappoint or maybe its my incapability to sought out which area of my life I want to address first. seems everything just has a way of affecting each other. Plus, I owe a good friend a favour, mind to messed up to carry it out. Dear if you are reading this I’m so sorry, I haven’t forgotten and i will definitely make it up to you.
Oh well, maybe I can start from family. After thirteen years of separation, my pips are finally back together. yay right? *sigh* I am glad they decided to put their differences behind them and work things out. in fact I have been praying earnestly that they do, but why is my heart not spilling with joy? God I’m so sorry, this heart is acting ungrateful but i am. a confidant thinks I might be jealous, but of what? that they don’t pour out their affection by calling me more than twice each day? like that ever gonna stop.
could it be that I haven’t truly forgiven the past? my confidant seems to think I’m yet to be over it. But isn’t it often said that one can forgive and not forget? *chuckle* what irony, I often tell people if they say they have forgiven but still feel hurt each time they are put in a situation to remember the past, they haven’t truly forgiven. Guess I am a hypocrite to my own words. the only inference I can make so far is that the distance between the three of us plus years apart made it easy for me to say I have forgiven them. but this new reality just proves otherwise. My only option now is to turn to the one who is Forgiveness to help me through this so I can really be part of this new beginning.
Family aside, school work is freaking me out. It’s so surprising when people think I have everything under control. My lecturer says I look confident, friends always think i know things but the truth is i am lost. *sigh* I don’t know what they see but I am yet to see the confidence. so many people have faith in me, i wanna have that faith, but i seem to have lost it. Gosh it feels like undergraduate all over. each time i decide to start my course work, i get so confused and lost that i turn to Gossip Girl’, coke, cocopops and chocolate to take my mind off. yesterday, i even got drunk on coke. I can feel the pressure mount up has my assignments deadline draw near, but i am as lost as all the time i have wasted on series and junk food. Lord, i need your help!
Next, matters of the heart. Not like the aforementioned were not, well this is the only way i could categorize it. words can’t fully describe how i feel. one day i feel attached to someone i think feels the same way the next thing i am getting vibes the person is not that into me. *laugh* i should be in the sequel of that movie *he is not just into you* if they ever wanna make it. i have gotten so good at reading wrong signals. But what is wrong with me? each time i decide free my heart and not to get attached to someone until proven otherwise, use my head, something happens or someone happens then i see things that aren’t there only for me to get hurt. well you may say its no ones fault, I agree its mine, I get beyond my head. Lord, I need your help!
Now for the last part, God. where do i begin? i have fallen to old patterns, ‘when things get tough run away from God and fall into junk’. I have been running this past days and my feet are tired,and i am hung over junk. I hope it’s not too late for us to relate and iron things out. Lord I need your help!
Hopefully, i have been reminded these words ‘Don’t worry about anything, but instead , pray about everything Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done’. So, i am going to tell Him about my forgiveness issues and any other family issue, i am going to lift my assignments to Him and thank Him for the wonderful testimony.