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Monthly Archives: October 2011

Never Alone….


Last night, I went to bed late feeling sad, confused and alone. I have two write ups to submit in school and i am as confused as a a young maiden with a lot of cute suitable suitors. I think i know what i wanna write about, in fact i have some articles i wanna review, but i just don’t know why i am so confused. is it the thought of failing those who belief in me? the face of my mum kept coming up in my mind, i cannot let her down she has sacrificed so much. *sigh* i could feel the pressure mounting up. I have done so well contributing in class so far, i know the fundamentals, then what is it? why do i feel so lost and empty? why do i feel so alone and backwards?

I remember my days as an undergraduate and how hard i tried. I read, analyzed, linked pieces together, wrote essays i think should get me excellent marks, but at the end i get marks far below my expectations. I get so mad, angry, weak. I know i am smart brilliant, so what is it? why couldn’t i breakthrough? have i been jinxed? It was so frustrating!

Then it hits me. I have been depending on me. Believing in my own strength and capability. I have totally ignored the one who has given me the wisdom, and ability to do all things. I have sidelined the Holy spirit, made Him nothing more than a back up. silly child me! How could i leave the one that could make my learning experience like a piece of cake and slave it out on my own with my short-sighted ego and understanding. I repented and the Holy spirit helped me.

I have been desperate for the past six months, seeking and praying to God for a break. and when it came, i have unconsciously slipped back to old familiar territories. In my mind, i think i am committing my ways to Him, but it is nothing more than words i whisper then i try to analyze thing on my own. Agitation has slowly crept in, fear of failure mocks me, my mind is heavily burdened. I feel alone, with all the lead in the world enough to drown me.

Then the words of a song ‘enough’ by Jeremy Camp playing on my system reminds me of what/who should be my satisfaction. Jesus. He should be more than enough for me. I listened to more songs, prayed and slept off.

This morning, i woke up to a message from a friend. she said she remembers a dance ministration of me back from University days anytime she listens to this song ‘Never alone’ by Barlow girls. She said it was pretty touching and kept ringing in her head and added “always remember that you touched someone with that ministration”.

My friend may not know but she was an instrument sent to me this morning. Although i had ministered in dance to others, i needed to be reminded of it. The message felt like a reassurance from God that i am not alone in this. He has said he would not leave me nor forsake me. He said i should trust in Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding and He would direct my path. He promised that all who trust in him will not be put to shame. He has armed me with strength and made my way perfect. He has made me as sure footed as the deer enabling me to stand on mountains. Therefore with my complete trust in him no mountain can crush me. All i have to do is commit totally and not sideline Him.

We know these things, but then do we really know?

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“DESOLE”


*longing, searching, alone, empty…..* Desole.

sometimes, i get into this dark room feeling, into a deep hole that i can’t see my way out of it. more often than none, this feeling comes when i have made wrong choices and  don’t think i can ever get out of the mess i have created for myself. i often bottle the issues hope cos i feel people expect more from me, i judge myself before others judge me. or maybe they do, indirectly, when they tell me what they feel, expect of me what they think i can do and can not do.

sometimes, most times when i get hurt, by people i feel should know better, their words are not enough to take away the pain….

I read this beautiful poem by jenim dibie (@scarville, http://scarcast.blog.com/ ). i have so much to say about it but i think you should make your own personal inference and connection just as i did. it would be unfair for me to take or add to her word. so here it is, “DESOLE”

(your thoughts about it are  very welcomed)

********************************************************************************************************

Life led wrongly

Heart beating for all the wrong reasons

Eyes searching for all but one

One searching for none but all…

A soul whose retina has lost focus

With lenses focused on fame and glory

With nothing but bare thoughts you write your story

To the ones mulled down

Desole means nothing

Iris painted with shades of gray

Good is gone and bad to stay

Fences are true haven for cowards

In taking no side, all stand pleased

Life forgives this not

Desole means nothing

Born great, living inane

Born king, living slave

Gifted, normal

Genius, unleashed

History pardons not this

Desole means nothing

A thief, a liar, a whore, a cheat

A failure, a dope-head, a sociopath, an outcast

Naked thoughts born benign become malignant

You are what you think

Society forgives you not

Desole means nothing

Alone, lost, jaded

Regrets, a little too late

Emptiness, loneliness, memories

Trees seem only for hanging

Rivers seem only for drowning

Time the maze that prepares banquets

Feeds you at the table of consequences

Time reveals all

Desole means nothing

Love given

Love lost

Love hurt

Still love searches through dark alleys

For the one who got away

“Desole!” your soul screamed silently

Love hears it

Love forgives all

Desole means everything…

TAN U (thank you), you’re far too kind!


And the award for the most versatile blog goes to” *drum rolls*…..

CHRONICLES OF THE NAIVE!

“emm, psst, babe na u dem dey call”.   *rouses from sleep* “oh yeah? you sure? Oh yeah na me ooo!”

“abeg, all of una shift make i fin road pass, oops sorry” *clears throat* “ahem, i mean excuse me i want to make my way to the stage thank you”

” i wanna thank my mummy and my daddy Mr and Mrs…, my grandma, uncles, aunties, cousins, tobi ogunbadejo (you’ve been a good critic 😉 christopher , tobbie, abiola, bleble, lola, idris (Ʊ knw ursefs) i wanna thank my pry 5 English teacher, Mr joe for trying all you can  to help me differenciate between tenses, verbs, pronouns, phrases, clauses (still make small mistakes but i try), i want to thank mr olisa….. my manager, make up artist, personal dj, chauffeur…. (whew, everyone in the hall don sleep sha) any how TAN U, TAN U!”

ok ok, for reals now. this is the first time I’m receiving an award for my blog and i feel so honoured ‘cos it is coming from someone i admire a lot, Neetah (memoirs of a woman with chutzpah, http://chocolatechutzpah.wordpress.com/) . It’s been a while i checked her blog trust me and im saying this with my checks turning rose red+scarlet red, i am addicted to her blog *coversface* The first time she commented on my blog i was surprised, and i did small windeck.

They say with more recognition comes  more responsibilities. yup i concur, ‘cos this award comes with its own. i got to pay for it in black and white, but i ain’t complaining, woe unto me if i complain. so here are my instructions;

1.Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them in your post.
2.Share 7 things about yourself.
3.Pass this Award along to 15 recently discovered blogs and let them know about it!

so without further ado, I’ll go straight to business.

I want to thank miss neetah (soon to be Mrs. *bigsmile*) for this wonderful award, recorgnistion and encouragement. more grease to your elbow and each morning you step out into the hussle and buzzle(is dat a word) of lasgidi, chin up always ‘cos you’re out to hit it with a storm. keep the good stuff flowing! p.s do visit her blog, see link above.

so this is the part that always makes me go blank for a few seconds, especially when asked in an interview or by a cute bloke on our first meeting (too busy admiring his cuteness 😉 7 things about me in no particular order;

1. I am an addict. yup i am addicted to Kellogg’s cocopops. every other cereal just tast bland. i tried rice krispies once but i ended up adding milo in each bowl. yes i am a choco addict. chocolates are ladies best friends

2. my fingers have acquired immunity against peppery sensations from ‘atarodo’ (small red pepper and chili pepper). yes i dont feel the sensation till i am reminded of it potency when i rub my eyes or wash my bum.

3. once had a dream of becoming a ballerina, but that was cut short in j.s.s 1 when our ballet instructor told us we had to pay 1k for registration and rehearsal wears. kicked the idea fast out of my mind before my mum did.

4. i could easily have played the role of the flexible guy in ‘fantastic four’ without any film trick. would have cost the director less ‘cos i’m a nice gal, would have charged $50 000. ok my point is im quite flexible. most people dont believe me ‘cos i am nicely padded until i do the split and bend over backwards until my hands touch the ground with no support.

5. if i wasn’t in the health sector, i probably would be an electrical engineer. As a child, i loved to open up electronics, pull them apart then arrange them like a puzzle. when things need fixing or setting up around the house, call me the-go-to-gal

6. i hate trying one things or giving the shop owners/attendants the idea that i am gonna buy something when I’m window shopping. i prefer to browse through the store, get the prices and move out. i feel its unfair to stress them and give them false hope. i sell too so i know how that feels.

7. I AM A WEEPER! i cry at the slightest emotional scene in movies, or song lyrics. in secondary school i got teased a lot by my classmate ‘cos the sight of a cane was enough to set the tap flowing.

Now to the hardest part of my instructions. to pass the award to 15 blogs. ill try my best *

1. Jenim Dibie http://scarcast.blog.com/

2.Krunchgrizzly http://krunchgrizzly.blogspot.com/

3. Le Dynamique Proffeseur: http://dynamiqueprofesseur.blogspot.com/

4.  http://thatsolagurl.wordpress.com/

5. http://thinktankt.wordpress.com/

6. http://slevincalevra.wordpress.com/

7. http://highlandblue.wordpress.com/

8. http://slimsiren.wordpress.com/

9. http://chroniclesofdania.wordpress.com/

10. http://www.thenakedconvo.com

11. http://papyrusczar.wordpress.com/

okay i don’t know any more blogs to put up 😦  i wish i had more. but these blog are wonderful.

Granpa


*sigh*

woke up this morning to see a message sent by my cousin T “Our Grandpa don die eeee oooo, Died dis morning @ 1 am”

instantly all drowsiness was drained, in its place a wave of heat. hormones both known and unknown took over my emotions, i couldn’t believe it, i spoke with him last week! He was fine, in perfect condition! asked my cousin if he had a heart attack but she said he was perfectly alright until around 12 am when he had a brief illness then died peacefully at 1 am.

Everyone around me says i should be grateful, celebrate his life ‘cos he went at the ripe age of about 85, yea i know i should and i am grateful to God for the life he lived but still, that does not prevent the shock, sadness and… i don’t know. My maternal grandpa died while i was a toddler so i never knew him, my paternal grandma died some years ago in London, met her only twice so i was never close to her.

But my paternal grandpa, spent the first 9 years of my life growing up around him. he lived upstairs the family house while my nuclear family stayed down stairs. I Remember him telling me to stop running and stamping my feet on the stairs and corridor, i remember he had a favorite spot close to the window in the sitting room upstairs so he could see those going in and out of the compound, i remember is big old ‘grandpa clock’.i remember thinking to myself “grandpa has such weird head, shiny until half way where he had little hair” (i later learn that’s because he was bald).

Recently, our relationship had been reduced to a Christmas and new year visit, of which sometimes i feel like cutting the time short ‘cos i know he would fill me up with stories about how our family came to be, history behind the family name and how all Tubi’s are connected. i can almost tell the history as he would. sometimes i loved to hear these stories, sometimes i just wanted to say hi and move on to do more youthful stuff. sigh, i wish i had giving him all my attention. He was always so happy to see me, or hear my voice on the phone. I wish i had called him more often.

Last week my mum called me on the phone that grandpa had asked of me, wanted to know if i had gotten to the UK safely, i was ashamed, 3 weeks of being here and i didn’t call him. called him instantly and he was so glad to hear my voice, prayed for me and gave me advice. He sounded so healthy, no hint of the event that would happen today at 1 am. he sounded like a man that would live another 10 years. He sounded like a person that had lived a full life, and was very satisfied. This goes to say no one knows the next second and whats in it.

we as humans we often take family relationships lightly and we value relationships with outsiders and strangers as supreme. we shower more affection on people who often us them as rags. we get too caught up with our self indulgence that we forget to give and take the little moments that make up our existence. we wanna have fun, we wanna live our own idea of whats important, but family IS important. we spend hours on the phone with outsiders but can’t spend 5 minutes with family. if we don’t value and understand the importance of our earthly family, how can we understand God’s family? how can we understand what is and whats not in God’s kingdom if we fail this earthly test? since i got here i haven’t called my maternal grandma, been caught up with  school, and settling in. God help me.

My condolences to the family of Pa oladipupo Tubi, may God receive him into His rest. Grandpa i love you and will miss you.