RSS Feed



woke up this morning to see a message sent by my cousin T “Our Grandpa don die eeee oooo, Died dis morning @ 1 am”

instantly all drowsiness was drained, in its place a wave of heat. hormones both known and unknown took over my emotions, i couldn’t believe it, i spoke with him last week! He was fine, in perfect condition! asked my cousin if he had a heart attack but she said he was perfectly alright until around 12 am when he had a brief illness then died peacefully at 1 am.

Everyone around me says i should be grateful, celebrate his life ‘cos he went at the ripe age of about 85, yea i know i should and i am grateful to God for the life he lived but still, that does not prevent the shock, sadness and… i don’t know. My maternal grandpa died while i was a toddler so i never knew him, my paternal grandma died some years ago in London, met her only twice so i was never close to her.

But my paternal grandpa, spent the first 9 years of my life growing up around him. he lived upstairs the family house while my nuclear family stayed down stairs. I Remember him telling me to stop running and stamping my feet on the stairs and corridor, i remember he had a favorite spot close to the window in the sitting room upstairs so he could see those going in and out of the compound, i remember is big old ‘grandpa clock’.i remember thinking to myself “grandpa has such weird head, shiny until half way where he had little hair” (i later learn that’s because he was bald).

Recently, our relationship had been reduced to a Christmas and new year visit, of which sometimes i feel like cutting the time short ‘cos i know he would fill me up with stories about how our family came to be, history behind the family name and how all Tubi’s are connected. i can almost tell the history as he would. sometimes i loved to hear these stories, sometimes i just wanted to say hi and move on to do more youthful stuff. sigh, i wish i had giving him all my attention. He was always so happy to see me, or hear my voice on the phone. I wish i had called him more often.

Last week my mum called me on the phone that grandpa had asked of me, wanted to know if i had gotten to the UK safely, i was ashamed, 3 weeks of being here and i didn’t call him. called him instantly and he was so glad to hear my voice, prayed for me and gave me advice. He sounded so healthy, no hint of the event that would happen today at 1 am. he sounded like a man that would live another 10 years. He sounded like a person that had lived a full life, and was very satisfied. This goes to say no one knows the next second and whats in it.

we as humans we often take family relationships lightly and we value relationships with outsiders and strangers as supreme. we shower more affection on people who often us them as rags. we get too caught up with our self indulgence that we forget to give and take the little moments that make up our existence. we wanna have fun, we wanna live our own idea of whats important, but family IS important. we spend hours on the phone with outsiders but can’t spend 5 minutes with family. if we don’t value and understand the importance of our earthly family, how can we understand God’s family? how can we understand what is and whats not in God’s kingdom if we fail this earthly test? since i got here i haven’t called my maternal grandma, been caught up with  school, and settling in. God help me.

My condolences to the family of Pa oladipupo Tubi, may God receive him into His rest. Grandpa i love you and will miss you.





Does love have to hurt?

Does one have to go through heart ache?

Is pain the assurance of love?

Does my heart have to bleed?

Does it have to feel like its been ground and matched on like foot bridge?

Are tears the water in which love swims, floats or is it drown?

Where is the running in the meadow or smelling of flowers?

Where is the sharing of an umbrella in the rain with the one you love?

Where is the exchange of sweet whispers and sweet nothings into the middle of the night?

Where is the gazing into the eyes of the one you love?

Where is the silent words spoken with the eyes that only lovers understand?

I wonder if love is a myth, an old wives’ tale

I wonder if there is another dimension to this …. Can it even be classified?

I wonder if I will ever pass this test ‘cos I fail it all too well

Are there lessons to be taken before embarking on the journey called love?

Are there road maps to avoid dead ends?

Can someone, anybody show me the way out?

I’m drowning and falling under. My throat is patched from screaming…

I guess everyone is busy trying to figure out their love path

Will I ever figure mine out?

Or am I destined to be lost, in this labyrinth called love?


what da?….its d alarm!

I am soooooo pissed right now if i see any of these student managers that are students I’ll so punch ’em. it was after 3 am this morning i was still thinking in my subconscious that my room was cold probably the heater doesn’t work, and  i was gonna report this to the hostel managers the next day when all of a sudden out of the blues, the fire alarm went off! at first i was wondering who was making that loud noise then i remembered the induction the other day about fire alarms going off when smoke was detected. omo see panic attack. i thought oh no this was my first year in the university all again! i scrambled out of the room with only my pjays, then ran in to take a slippers went out saw my neighbor locking his room, ran in back to get my keys then i saw my jacket and  i grabbed that too. all the while i was shaking cos my room is on the last floor!

Finally got the keys to work and i ran downstairs, to find senior students asking us freshers to move to the car park. we were all confused a bunch ‘cos we didn’t see any fire. some freshers had gone out partying and were drunk, some ran out in underpants, others no slippers it was a frenzy in the freaking cold! thank God i grabbed a jacket.

We stood outside for like 20 mins plus, not understanding what was going on, when two fire fighters truck rolled in. stood there another 5mins then they asked us to go back in welcoming us to first year! i wanted to punch that dude, seriously? that was a welcome?? what happened to parties and retreats?? that’s a welcome, not scaring the beeep out of me and freezing me up in the cold! with thoughts going through my mind.

funny but not so funny, in my first year in the university, my room was really on fire. one of my roommate had used candle to read on the table near the window. i warned her about it, but she forgot and slept off. i felt the room warm up and i was like “mehn this room is so hot tonight wetin dey?” when all of a sudden i heard faint shouts of fire but i dint really take not, then the room became soo hot i woke up lo and behold the whole window was on fire! the candle had caught the end of the curtains and spread rapidly up, burning the net and everything near the window. omo if u see adrenaline in action. woke my two roommates up. thankfully, two of us had fetched buckets of water down the previous night, so we just kicked into action pouring water on it not giving a care for the rug on the floor. the porters came in and one of ’em pulled the curtain down and the fire was doused.

It was God at work in our lives that night ‘cos we had locked ourselves in the room, and during the period the fire was on, NEPA did not decide to restore power.

Now thats some freshman fire scare! they can like to leave me out of these drills thank you, or fix it for day time, when my nerves can take it.

i am a geordie now… i think

*Blowing the dust off this blog* wow, its been more than a week I’ve written and it feels like a month already. missed it a lot. what have i been up to? moving out of Africa to become a ‘Geordie’ student 🙂

Lol, don’t be confused, Geordie  is the nickname given to residents of Newcastle. and since I’ll be here for at least a year i think i can refer to myself has a fake Geordie. I say fake ‘cos the Newcastle residents are called Geordie due to the fact that they are known to walk in the coldest temperature with little clothes on their back, but me, coming from the hottest continent in this planet i can like to keep my clothes on my back thank you.

These past few days i have been traveling, moving into school, registering and now I’m officially a masters student of Northumbria university, Newcastle, studying Health Science (management). I didn’t tell a lot of people before leaving, i apologize to you if i didn’t, i had to leave in a rush. so now i wanna talk about my experience so far.

its been five years since i traveled and to my surprise not much has change. still know how to do the seat belts, i still hate food served on the plane and i still love to watch the in-flight movies. To the airlines credit, each passenger is provided with mini monitors and can choose whatever we wanna watch from a wide range of movie selection to tv shows. i temporarily died an went to heaven ‘cos i had the opportunity to choose from thor, source code, pirates of the caribean 4, kung fu panda 2, fast five, something borrowed.chei at the point i was grinning from ear to ear, this was gonna be a wonderful flight i thought. A sucker for romance that i am, i chose something borrowed first, the later saw source code.

we arrived London on time, thank God for journey mercies and favor with the immigrations. since school is in Newcastle, had to take a 3hrs train up north, and as we drew closer, i started to shiver. Since the journey began, i had been indifferent to the whole thing, but nearing my destination, my heart started to pound so loud I’m sure people in the other coaches could hear. I have never been away from home alone all my life. went to a day secondary school, university of Lagos,even during service year i was going from home. so this is a new page in my life. Putting my faith in God, i know i will be alright, I’m not the first person to go abroad for masters.

Finally got to school, and my jaw dropped, it was huge, was really intimidating. i kept asking for direction and its either I’m given a map or I’m taken to the nearest stationed school map.I’m like duh, i can’t read  maps just point me to the direction thank you, but it seems they love reading maps. i didn’t do geography for petes sake! i was a literature student so i cant read maps. thankfully i met a Nigerian staylite student working at the student accommodations so he was very helpful. truth be told, i might sound very odd, but i really thought Nigerians didn’t know about this school ‘cos each time i told someone my school in Nigeria, they have this dumb look, so i was surprised but glad to see the few Nigerians i have met so far. Among the new students, I met a very fun yoruba guy, a very calculative igbo guy, a chickita igbo babe and a calculative igbo chick. I also met a hot Angolan chick and very reserved Kenyan. together we have formed our own version of African union, thanks to the yoruba guy who was so passionate about we Africans bonding. He pointed out the Asians bonding and doing stuffs together, well he was right. one thing about my school, is that it is filled with Asians. At a point i had to pause and check if i had landed in England or Asia, ‘cos they are in your face. they eat, cook, and go out together.

i have made so many Asians friends and as i make friends with them, i loose track of them ‘cos they are so much and my brain finds it had to store and process their names. met one in the kitchen the other day and it took me about five minutes to get his name was Jefferson. there’s another guy from Vietnam, I’m yet to get him name, maybe its fuu, or fur or fff, i have no idea, but i have made it a point of duty to get his name. i met an Indonesian chick by the name nana, very nice girl, plus i can remember her name and recognize her face. so basically the only friends i have now are Asians and Africans. when school starts proper, i will make it  a point of duty to have friends from all races.

Yesterday, the students’ union organized a welcome party  for international students, and it was hilarious. people from all corners of the world on the dance floor, each thinking they dance better than the other. Of cos as a 9ja chick, i thought they were hilarious with their wormy dance, fish dance, break dance (i mean what looked like a break dance), but i applauded them. my yoruba guy friend carried me suddenly and almost dropped me in the center of the dance floor, but sharp babe like me, i fought for my dear life, i wasn’t about to display skills. there was a magician there last night and HE was GOOD! his tricks were flawless, still thinking of how he did them, smooth.

After the party, the yoruba guy suggested we go out for Chinese, he was really enthusiastic about these new Chinese restaurant that is an all-you-can-eat buffet. since he got to Newcastle he had spent so much money on food, so discovering Chinese food, which is the closest to African food was like discovering a gold mine. And ‘cos he is all for African unity and really a very nice dude, wanted to share this gold rush with us. so off we went. the lot of us minus the igbo took about 20 min to get to the resturant and we girls were freezing. i literary jumped in for warmth. while we ate i was told that when chicks here stare at guys intensely, they are telling you they are available.and they can pay any amount to get the guys. i guess gigolo business will pay off ( just saying).

The walk back to school was short but it didn’t stop me from noticing the white chicks in their skinniest clothes. we black chicks were like amazed. with all our kacking up, we were shivering and a white chick is passing by with boob tube and micro mini skirt. I’m like “babe these chicks are cold-blooded and not warm-blooded” my biology teacher must have made a mistake to say we are all warm-blooded!

Today was less eventful. luckily, a redeem church sent a bus over to pick up students, so i joined in, and service was wonderful. most of the church population are students from the two universities in Newcastle so it was fun. later met up with a friend and she took me to an African store, so I’m gonna start cooking. i no fit waste money on junk. i have been converting food expenses to naira and it ain’t funny.

well that’s all i have been up to. my mum has been calling me like so often i have lost count. its difficult for her, we have never been apart for more than 3 weeks (which was NYSC camp). she came with me to Newcastle, went shopping with me and helped me settle in. she left early yesterday and has not stopped calling. we are still adjusting to the separation.

tomorrow is another day. now the real chronicles of da naive is just beginning. i know i will have lots to talk about. right now im tired and hungry. still have alot to write  but that will be for later times.

love and lyrics

Ever had the feeling that the lyrics to a song was talking about you? Like the writer had taken a peek into you life Ąπϑ written words that expressed your feelings, situation, emotions Ąπϑ life? That’s exactly how i felt when i saw Adele perform ‘set fire to the rain’ from her album ’21’ on stage, i had to download the song immediately Ąπϑ it became my song for many weeks. As if fate wanted to have my whole Love life retold to me, it brought my friend T over to my house on sunday and on her phone was the whole ’21’ album.

Listening to the songs that night, memories Ąπϑ feelings i thought i had dealt with perfectly came rushing back. Each song tells a story about my little love life experiences. One would think Adele had a private conversation with me in a world invisible to peering eyes. Now armed with lyrics from ’21’,i’m gonna describe distant lands my heart had been to, some i wanna visit again others I’m not so eager to.

Set fire to the rain:

This song took me back to the first time i allowed my heart to fall. i was young, naïve Ąπϑ very gullible. i had a puppy love before it, but this particular one marked my entrance into the world of sleepless night due to ‘ love’. i had guarded my heart Ąπϑ kept it from been crushed but as soon has i decided to let it fall, bloke 1 came to the rescue. He caught it Ąπϑ said it was safe. My arms were strong, i thought i had a strong grip on his love Ąπϑ could handle myself with him but i found out later that my knees were far too weak, they couldn’t help me stand my ground, as i allowed him walk me over. He played the game well, made me trust him. i believed he was the perfect one. With the two of us, nothing could be better.

Soon i found out he had caught another heart. i didn’t believe it, didn’t want to believe it. i was the leading lady in his life. As the director, he called out ‘scene’ Ąπϑ our movie ended. i had to let it burn but his name kept screaming out through the flames.

Someone like you:

“I heard
That you’re settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you’re
Married now
I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn’t give to you
Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back
Or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over
Never mind
I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I begged
I remember, you said
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,

Ok, i just had to write some part of the lyrics to this song. *sigh* compared to the scenario painted in this song my Bloke 2 didn’t get married to another chick or is yet to be. That doesn’t stop the hurt right?. You been left for another chick. Most especially if you were looking forward to having a relationship with him. Well we had one – friendship. But i wanted more. i felt i was the right one for him as he was for me. We were good friends, shared the same kinda jokes, watched the same kinda stuff, loved to read… He also went out of his way to do things for me. Asked questions that insinuated he was as interested as i was. i was so sure he would soon make it official. Until one day, he asked how another chick felt about him Ąπϑ told me how he was planning to date her. The love i had for him turned into hate in split seconds, it was as if i had just received an invisible slap. For long i distanced myself from him, didn’t talk to him. It took the grace of God Ąπϑ the little dignity i had left to confront him about my feelings. He said he had wanted to take our friendship a step further but something kept holding him Ąπϑ then he found her. We made our peace Ąπϑ now we are friends again but sometimes, i wonder what did he see in her that i didn’t have?… *shrug*. I concluded it was never meant to be or he would be mine instead.

Take it all:

“Didn’t I give it all?
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less
Didn’t I do it right
Did I let you down
Maybe you got too used to
By having me around
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears.
It’s gonna be an empty road
Without me right here
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don’t look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love
Maybe I should leave
To have you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need
So is it over?
Is this really you’ve given up so easily?
I thought you loved me more than this
I would change if I must
Slow it down and bring it home
I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew
Everything I do
Is for you”

i usually don’t fall for guys i meet through someone ‘cos i get bored by them with their automated questions. But this one was different. bloke 3 that is. We connected immediately. It surprised me. One would think with my previous experience i would be careful to go in with my head first. Well i thought i did, but eventually i found out it was my heart, Ąπϑ i paid dearly for that. We got close, he said he had never dated a ‘good girl’ before Ąπϑ was afraid he would harm me. i felt pity for him. Naïve girl, decided to show him that it was not hard to date a girl like me. Gave everything i had. Opened myself to him. But then i guess he felt that was too much. He changed towards me Ąπϑ i became a crumbling fool. Thought if i gave him space he would see the loving he would miss. But he cared less. i had to pick the pieces Ąπϑ move one.

One Ąπϑ only:

Bloke 4. Well he would have made 2 if circumstances Ąπϑ things didn’t prevent it. i have known him for years, i liked him Ąπϑ he me. We lost contact a lot but one way or the other we find each other again. The last time we connected we made sure we didn’t lose ourselves. We talked about everything Ąπϑ anything. Became good friends. But we both know we wanted more. He said so, but something was holding him back. His past. The years we spent apart saw him through major heart aches that has made it hard for him to open up freely.

He became a constant thought but i had my doubts. What if he turns out to be like the previous ones? Will i be able to bear the hurt? does he think of me? In the words of adele “Have I been on your mind? You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time at the mention of my name, will I ever know how it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I chose you’ll go?”
But it was still hard for M̶̲̥̅Ƹ to get through to him. i know it is not easy giving up his heart
Nobody’s perfect. So i said words that resembled those of Adele written below to him:

“I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come and give me the chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.”

The next song shows how it all ended

He won’t go:

I didn’t tell too many people about bloke 4 but the few people that knew about him thought i was wasting my time Ąπϑ emotions on a hard rock Ąπϑ wanted me to move on. They couldn’t see what i saw. Sometimes i felt that way too. We even went our separate ways. But He just wouldn’t go Ąπϑ i realised that i wouldn’t too. So we decided to try make it work. i realised we were both holding on to our past Ąπϑ were blinded by it. So now we are willing to take the risk.

To round off this rather long purging of mine, i leave here with the closing words of this last song

“So I won’t go
He can’t do it on his own
If this ain’t love, then what is?
We’re willing to take the risk

Cause he won’t go
He can’t do it on his own
If this ain’t love, then what is?
We’re willing to take the risk

I won’t go
I can’t do it on my own
If this ain’t love, then what is?
I’m willing to take the risk”

ungrateful child

Yesterday, after spending the whole day lounging, with Bruno Mars ‘lazy song’ playing in my head, i started to whine to a friend about how boredom had messed up my ability to write. He told me to chill, relax Ąπϑ write when i get inspired to. It wasn’t as if i didn’t know what to do, i guess i had become some what cocky. At that moment, i heard my uncle’s voice Ąπϑ my reaction was mumc must be close by. The thought of mumc seeing me in my lazy state (which included not bathing all day) brought the right amount of fear any sane child would have if you lived in my house. The thought also reminded me of evening service which was for 6.30 pm. The time was 6.21 pm. Not good. mumc would bring down the hammer if she finds me not prepared. So i locked the door, ran into the bathroom had a quick one, Got dressed Ąπϑ ran off to church. They say a guilty man runneth when no man chaseth. The guilty one was me ‘cos mumc was not with my uncle. She had gone visiting. Smh.

Anyway, i was glad i went to church ‘cos that was were my inspiration to write this began. Well it was partial inspiration. For some days now, i have been thinking about my childhood Ąπϑ how God protected us during a fire outbreak, and saw us through armed robbery attacks at the two houses we used to live in. i wanted to write about these incidents earlier not mainly as a thanksgiving to God, but mostly because i had been racking my head for things to share. Selfish of me i know. i realised that the more i put pen to paper, the more empty i felt. It was like drawing water from a dry desert well. So i gave in to my friend’s advise.

After service, i got information that one of our youth pastors had lost his dad. Also, a church member’s house had been razed down by fire. Now i don’t know what was going through the minds of the others there, but mine was filled with shame Ąπϑ remorse. Here i was thinking of things to write, Ąπϑ being very myopic of the very testimonies some people wish they had right now.

I was so overwhelmed that as i took the prayers at our family altar, i was led to forget all the usual prayer points Ąπϑ the spirit took over. Words can’t describe how much i was in awe of God’s faithfulness over my life. It was like watching a movie of my life, me acting as the spoilt brat who keeps asking, taking Ąπϑ never appreciating. Who Sometimes throw tantrums over things she didn’t receive. While God remained the loving, faithful Ąπϑ caring father.

At the age of five, the doctors diagnosed me of asthma. My mum could not believe it. She had taken me to the hospital on the presumption that i had severe cough. She was not aware that asthma ran in my paternal side. Ąπϑ so my romance with the hospital began. Looking back at all those years of been bed ridden, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep (either by kneeling down or sitting) ‘cos i couldn’t breathe, graduating from the use of ventoline tablets to ventoline inhaler ‘cos tablets were no longer potent to relax my tense bronchial muscles, Ąπϑ always putting my mum in constant fear, i genuinely felt the urge to give him all the glory. So many times i do things that could trigger an attack like drinking cold water, soaking garri, sleeping in an air-conditioned room with the fan on, bathing with cold water, eating fried food, inhaling dust Ąπϑ smoke… The list goes on. But God in his infinite mercies has kept me alive.

i remember walking home while in secondary school, taking all the short cuts, God protected me from kidnapping. My WAEC result came out instead of being grateful each time i remember the grades i get angry that i didn’t get more As forgetting the fact that i didn’t get any D, P or F. I had gotten so full of my ability.

When i remember the course i studied at the university Ąπϑ the CGPA i finished with, i regret ever accepting the course saying to myself ‘i would have done better with another course’. i forget that some young people are wishing to be a graduate like myself even if it means they would finish with a pass. Ungrateful me got into the higher institution immediately after secondary school Ąπϑ finished at the right time.

I look at my service year sometimes Ąπϑ i complain about the state i was posted to, my place of primary assignment, the boredom Ąπϑ stress i went through. i ignore the fact that God protected me each day i boarded a bus, climbed ‘okada’ Ąπϑ entered ‘cabu cabu’. i was not part of the statistics of corpers killed during the voters’ registration Ąπϑ voting period.

Most of my time now instead of channelling it into helping mumc’s business boom, i complain i do not have a 9/5 job. Forgetting some people don’t have a means of lively hood.

God restored my mum when she was sick. God kept us from being killed in a fire outbreak dat killed our next door neighbour. The fire didn’t even affect us. It got to the kitchen window of our flat Ąπϑ stopped. We didn’t lose so much as a pin. Yet i complain sometimes about sharing a room with my cousins not appreciating God for the house he eventually blessed us with.

Twice we have been robbed. First time i was in Jss3. It was early in the morning Ąπϑ our neighbour led them to our flat. She said she wanted to get the key to the bore hole Ąπϑ somehow the thieves got in. God being the faithful God, protected me from rape ‘cos i was on towel, He didn’t allow my mumc’s room door to give in to their kicks. They went away with few changes from my cousin Ąπϑ aunty after God sent confusion into their midst.

The second robbery was in another flat. This time mumc wasn’t home Ąπϑ they followed my uncle in. I had opened mumc’s room earlier Ąπϑ forgot to lock it so they got in, took all her jewellery Ąπϑ locked us in her toilet. The fact that no one was shot is enough to be thankful for.

i can go on Ąπϑ on writing about God’s faithfulness, kindness, mercies over me Ąπϑ my family, but this page will never contain it.

In my bid to share stories about my life, i forgot the Life-giver, my Source. i cannot fully explain the atmosphere during prayers but one thing i know for certain is that we were all grateful. Most especially me the Ungrateful child.

Ice princess

The room is dark, the blinds are drawn, bulb switched off, no light is needed. This is the perfect atmosphere. Gloom. It matches the state of my heart. Fan set to the highest, air conditioner to the lowest, perfect temperature. Cold. The state of my heart. I lay on the bare floor, naked, eyes staring into nothingness. This is what i want to do, need to do. Bare my soul naked.
But i am all alone. i have always been alone. Fate had made it so.
I tried, oh! How i tried. Tried to get rid of the forlorn feeling, it just wouldn’t leave. It stuck to me like a next skin, weighing down my soul.

But no one knew. It was all hidden behind my face. My pretty face. The face not even venus could rival. So i’ve been told. More like a curse than a blessing. People would say a beauty like me could never lack. *chuckles* how ignorant they all are! Maybe if i was a little scared, it would reflect the scare in my heart. maybe if I was a little overweight, it would reflect the burden in my soul. Then someone would have paid attention.

Daddy was absent, mummy innocent. She has her share of burden, no need to add to her worries. She has her own share of heart break no need to crush it under my weight. Mummy looks at me, and does not notice the pain. It is best that way.
As i lay still on the floor, images of the past fill my mind, as if someone had placed them on a slide show. Slowly i drift, into a silent reverie…

I could see myself again sitting in my old chair at the back of the class. I was in primary one again. Shaking vividly, what just happened, i couldn’t understand. The man in the stall. What did he do to me? Why do i feel dirty? I want my mummy now, need my daddy more. The day which had started like a train on a track suddenly wore on like a snail on a track. My mind couldn’t get rid of the images. could still feel the hard long rod between his thighs in my left hand. Finally, school ended. i ran quickly to the gate, eager to get home. Afternoon shower had never felt so appealing. What is happening? Mummy is late. Where could she be? The school is empty. I am left alone with the security. He wants to lock up. Kind old man. Decides to take me home. Thank God i knew my home address. i’m so sad! Mummy had forgotten me! Or had she? Maybe mummy knew, about the man in the stall.

The old man got me home. But something is wrong. Why are the furnitures outside? Why are there people moving stuffs into a large bus? Mummy comes out, carrying a box with my clothes Ąπϑ toys. her eyes are swollen. She’d been crying. She looked up and saw me standing. Dropped the box with its content to hold me in her arms. Her embrace said it all. Something bad has happened. she knelt down in front of me and said “angel, you and i will be going on a very long journey but daddy won’t be coming”. I thought, no not now, i needed daddy! i ran into the house to find daddy seated on the floor. His eyes were set, like a man on a mission. Our eyes met and he motioned for me to come closer. “my angel, i love you but mummy and i have to be apart”.

This cannot be happening! It was all my fault, they had found out about the man in the stall. Why don’t they punish me instead? i was the naughty one! Mummy warned me never to talk to strangers! i disobeyed! Mummy came in at that point, took my hand and we left.
That was the last i saw of him…

I’m seated at a table for six. Its prom night. My friend and i had bought couples ticket. No we are not gay, just two lonely girls pretending that it is best we enjoy the night as singles without bothering about manners because of a date. Deep down inside i was hurt. No one had asked me to be their prom date. Save one. No girl would go with him why would i? i wanted to have fun not bore myself stiff. No I’m not that desperate, to subject myself to a night of torture would be unforgivable. But what about now? Isn’t what i was avoiding coming to pass? My so-called girlfriend had abandoned me for another table. i sat there alone, sipping orange juice with a plastic smile. i try to concentrate on the awards. No need to be hopeful, i will never make the nomination list for any category talk less of winning an award. We know how it is done. The plastic girls always win. The ones who always giggle the loudest, wear the latest fashion and date the so-called popular guys. That was not me. i do not have a ‘best friend’. close acquaintances yes, but not close enough to be best friends. i was never the ‘hey girl’ or the type to sit on a guys lap during break or after school.

I had a best friend once in junior school but when we became seniors, she became plastic. i was hurt but could never show it. Decided to be a loner. Who better to be ones best friend than yourself. You can’t fight with yourself, won’t argue, best of all won’t abandon yourself. Who was i fooling?, i was desperate for companionship. But pride took control. i would rather suffer in silence than show my weakness. i would rather be seen as the ice princess than a needy one.

Had a puppy love as a junior. He liked me, i liked him but we always clashed. i didn’t want our ‘relationship’ to be known. There were rules to the game. No kissing, no touching, no smooshing. That was how i wanted it to be. i desired companionship, i desired a friend. i desired a male figure in my life. i didn’t care if he was only a junior like myself. We wrote each other letters, mostly in codes. You never can tell who would intercept the letter. He was always surrounded by girls, i heard talks that he was dating them. That was to much for my fragile heart. The letters were not enough to solve the problem.

The greatest issue between us was our believe. He sees me as a fanatic. Well i stand by what i believe. i wouldn’t say my faith didn’t play a role in our separation. What was a girl my age to do. Every sunday, the impression i got from sunday school was having a boyfriend was a sin at that age. i felt guilty. We had a huge fight and we went our separate ways.

That didn’t prevent my heart for falling again. This time i fell hard. He was a church member. i guess i felt it was safer. Didn’t we believe in the same thing? Surely he would be better. He was way older. Surely he would be wiser. He was out of secondary school. Surely he would be mature. i gave him the rules too. No kissing, no touching, no smooshing. i added a new one. No sex. At least with all these rules i shouldn’t get into trouble. i won’t sin against God. He agreed.

We started dating. He was sweet. Always calling. A day didn’t go by without a text. He visited me at home. Sometimes came to school after closing to walk me home. Listened to my foolish chatter, listened to my dreams and ambitions. This was what i wanted. A male in my life that wasn’t demanding. Who was giving. i was sprung, love stoned. Cupid got it right this time.

Then he gained admission. That was the beginning of the descent. It was valentine’s day. A day to show love. My first real valentine with a guy. knew i would get something. What i didn’t know was that i would be required to give back. *chuckle*, naïve girl. He came over to my house with a cake, rose and a bottle of wine. i blushed besides my dark skin. i asked him to come in, no one was home. We sat in the living room and talked about me, about him, about us.

Suddenly he came closer and kissed me. i was surprised. My rule! He just broke my rule! A voice within mocked me “what were you expecting, he gave you gifts and you got him nothing, at least pay him with a kiss”. So i allowed it. It took too long, i didn’t enjoy the exchange of saliva. In my mind i thought there is nothing to it. i don’t feel anything. More like i felt disgusted. i didn’t like it. What do people say about their first kiss?. The plastics said their first kiss was heaven, they heard angels singing in their head. This was hell, instead of angels i heard demons mock me. i broke away from his embrace. He became angry. This was the first time i’ll see him angry. Obviously he wanted more than just the kiss. Thankfully at that moment my grandma came home. He took his leave. Things changed between us.

He stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped visiting. i did the chasing he did the running. i needed his companionship, he needed my body. we were not ready to compromise. So we went our separate ways.

I vowed never to love again. love is for the weak, desperate and feeble spine. Its an old wives tale told for entertainment. Look how my parents turned. I will never let a man crush me. i will never let anyone close enough to crush me. I will strike be for they bite. What is companionship? A state of dependency for the stupid. Who needs anyone. i am all i need.

And so i became a walking cold room. Using my head and blocking my heart. i became the cold hearted Ice princess.